I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office