I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You Might Also Like
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”