This 4th of July, please remember…
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.