‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Yoga Matt
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not