“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.