son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Previously On Persistence 😎
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat