i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️