When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.