I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The government even made aliens boring
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”