Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
You Might Also Like
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Cake safety first. Always.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
#dalle2