Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.