[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
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I’m pretty like a car crash.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no