Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure