Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.