convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.