*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.