“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids