We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.