Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
How to draw a duck
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*