I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
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They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12