her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.