Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
the saddest jazz hands ever
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit