Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Body by Oreos
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.