(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.