My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore