ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Pretty certain I can more drunk
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.