COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Everything reminds me of my ex
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.