If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets