Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Well, that didn’t work.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
A friend sent me this.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.