[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.