Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Not all heroes wear capes….
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Has science gone too far?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG