Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”