Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Breaking news:
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.