Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.