If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Running from your problems is cardio .
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.