Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you