The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
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When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Meeeee too!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾