The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Do not levitate over flowers
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”