I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.