Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
when u come home smelling like another dog
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Dear Lord..
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.