Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
They’re stuck in your pants?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home