Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
We like the way Dwight thinks
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean