I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
My diet starts in January
of 2027
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My Sentiments Exactly
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.