When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
o shit
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.