WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
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Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?