texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
🙄😏😂🤣