I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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