Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”