Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.