If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.